Rug Being Pulled
Breaking Down - Emptying Out - Being Scrubbed Clean (January 2006 - August 2006)
What immediately followed the decision to stop my Trans-Generational Healing Work was that an inner breaking-down process began to ravage
through my system. I could not have anticipated that this would happen
but in hindsight it was definitely a natural flow of events. What
ensued was truly terrifying. Everything I had studied and learned over
the past twenty years by having been involved in the alternative health
and healing field – all of it was taken from me. I say taken from me on
purpose because it felt like that. It was like some force went inside
my body, my head, my heart and began sweeping through it and along with a
continuous scrubbing, pulling, pushing, kicking, shoving, eventually
everything that was there was cleared out.
All that was important to me, all that I had believed in and knew for
certain, all that I had witnessed and understood – all of it was being
eradicated. I was shown that all those things were mere concepts,
opinions, ideas that somebody had devised or thought up at some point in
time, and how there was no truth to any of it. Those beliefs were
part of life as we knew it. For this reason, we took them to be
important and meaningful as if they were the absolute Truth. But in
reality, they had no validity whatsoever. As time went on, none of the
things I once held so dear had any more relevance for me. Their
meaning, legitimacy and importance had totally vanished from my being.
This whole process was extremely excruciating. I felt myself being
emptied out every day and nothing was given to me in exchange. I became
more and more hollow inside and began to seriously question life and
the purpose of my existence. All that I had wrapped myself around to
define who I was as a person, as an individual, as a valid part of
society – nothing was there any longer. I was no more the Margot Ridler
I had thought myself to be. All I had known and believed in, which had
defined me and given my life significance, substance and purpose, all
of it was gone. Who was I without all that which had previously made
up Margot Ridler?
At this point, Gabrielle Borkan, a dear friend of mine who understood
what was happening, recommended I read the books by Jed McKenna,
Spiritual Enlightenment: The Damnedest Thing and Spiritually Incorrect
Enlightenment. I found them extremely helpful because the process that
was ravaging through my system was explained. It assisted me in knowing
that I was not going mad and was not losing all touch with reality
because that had been a serious concern of mine. When reality as one
knows it - and the way pretty much all of humanity knows and accepts it -
begins to break down, the question arises, not just once but many
times, if one has not, in fact, lost one's marbles.
Those books explained how when one sees through all one had taken for granted to be real and true, one
eventually stumbles upon what is really real and truly true. This was
what was happening to me, without having been a seeker of Truth. I had
not been actively working on waking up and becoming enlightened. In
fact, I had no idea that such a thing even existed. What I had sought
with utter sincerity was to delve deeper into the mystery of the human
being so that I could most effectively help people via my work to live
more fulfilling lives. That was my heart's desire and the constant
prayer that was silently spoken. That one day, I would be taken out of
the entire human realm as I knew and understood it was something I
could have never imagined. Yet, here I was, in the midst of this
crazy process that made absolutely no sense. Nothing in me could fathom
what it was all good for and what the end result would be one day.
Even though the Jed McKenna books helped in understanding that I was not
going mad and that some kind of process was underway that would
eventually lead to some particular destination - how it all fit into
my life was a complete puzzle - and would remain a puzzle for two entire
years.
Everything Is Taken - Nothing Remains - Standing Completely Empty (January 2006 - August 2006)
Now, as if that was not enough to be dealing with, in addition to that
inner breaking-down experience which was enormously nerve racking and
energy draining, I was working in my daily outer life to create another
stream of income. Since I had walked away from the only earnings I had,
without first having devised a back-up plan (not a very smart business
decision), I found myself suddenly in a severe financial bind. My long
illness two years earlier, with me being out of work for eight months
and receiving no income had taken a huge toll on my finances. In
addition, traveling extensively thereafter, taking countless workshops
and trainings on Shamanism in order to improve my healing work for
people, had pretty much brought my savings account to zero. I had not
been able to recuperate yet from those losses. Therefore, I had not much
money to work with to tie me over until I figured out what else to do
with my life.
I was not worried at first because I had an idea to start a little
business and felt certain it would work fine right away. However, after
investing some time and some of my savings, it was clear that my
business idea would not work. So I had to go looking for a job which
was a bit daunting because I had been self-employed for over 15 years.
Plus, everything that I had studied had been cutting edge within the
alternative healing field and no employer within the regular system
would be able to do anything with my know-how.
As time passed, it became painfully clear that I could not find a
job that paid enough so that I could cover my monthly expenses which,
living in California, were insanely high. The few jobs that I did find
that paid enough, for some strange reason, I could not retain. No
matter what I tried, I ended up having one door after another slammed in
my face. It got to the point where I felt that my life was jinxed
because no matter what I did, I could not earn enough money to keep a
roof over my head, have gas for my car and food to eat.
When all my money had run out and it came to the point where I was going
to be homeless and on the streets within a month, I sat down one day to
look at my absolutely ridiculous situation. I mean, I am an
intelligent, well educated person, who speaks three languages and has
twenty years of business experience under her belt. I have many
different skills and qualifications and yet I could not even keep a
waitress job.
Baffled at all that had happened to me since the day I said I was
unwilling to continue to take people in circles, I came to the
conclusion that there must be some higher hand involved in creating this
ludicrous predicament of mine. It had to be - there was no other way.
Everything was just too messed up, with huge rocks piled up in front of
my feet, making any kind of movement forward absolutely impossible.
That is when I threw my hands up in the air and gave up. I mean, what
else could I do? I was going to be homeless and on the streets, even
though for the past eight months I had tried everything that I could
think of to get myself stable again. Regardless what I had tried,
nothing had worked.
By throwing my hands up in the air I was addressing who or what was
responsible for the flash-knowing appearance, evaporating my Margot
Ridler identity and rendering me penniless and homeless. My I had ran
out of options and was finally on its knees, willing to hand over the
reigns and say: "What do you want?"
Immediately after that statement was made (and I truly, truly meant it) a
waft of fresh air hit me. I could literally feel it against my skin
and in an instant, things became clear. All this time I had been
focusing on making life work in the United States. But what if life had
different plans? What if life wanted me some place else? How could
life have gotten through to me? I was so driven to find a way to
survive in the USA, the idea to leave the States and starting life some
place else could not enter my consciousness. I was way too closed.
Nothing could reach me. Yet, the thought to leave the United States,
even though it had been my home for over twenty years, felt right
somehow. It made sense somewhere inside of me, even though logically I
could not explain it. My son was now 21 years old and living on his
own. He was doing well. My obligations to him as a mother, which was
why I had remained in United States in the first place, had come to
close. I was actually free to go.
Going back to Europe was the only thing I could come up with, although
it did not feel quite right. I just had no other ideas. So, I started
making plans in August 2006 to go back to my place of birth, Austria,
where my family lives. Everyone was happy about my decision, welcoming
me back with open arms and offering to help me in any way they could.
About a week after I made that decision, a new thought suddenly
popped up. Instead of going back to Europe and starting another frantic
search for a job to get myself stable, I would instead find a retreat
place somewhere, where I could spend a few months on a work exchange
(since I had no money left to pay for a retreat stay). In that way,
I could come to rest. After those extremely stressful eight months, it
was a welcome and refreshing idea. This would allow me to become quiet
again and able to collect my thoughts by relaxing, praying, and doing
yoga. It was hoped that in the process a realization would arise about
what life wanted from me next.
Everything inside of me said "yes" to that idea and a sense of relief and
calm came over me when thinking about it. I decided I wanted to go to a
place where it was warm and sunny. Doing a Google search for only two
days, an ad about a retreat site in Costa Rica literally jumped out at
me. I contacted them and within a few days I was invited to come, and
all arrangements for travel were completed. What was fascinating was that
once I had relinquished control, everything fell into place as if
by magic. No effort, no striving, no thinking, no pushing, no making
anything happen was required. All I had to do was follow the invisible (but definitely felt) thread
that was being laid out right in front of my feet - like the bread crumbs strewn in the Brother
Grimm's Hansel and Gretel story. Nothing was needed of or from me except to follow
step by step the bread crumbs life lovingly kept dropping on my
behalf.
I did not know at the time but this experience was my introduction and first
taste of what my next three and a half years would be like. I had no
idea that I would be faced with complete and utter not-knowingness on a
moment-to-moment basis, and that nothing needed
to be known for life to work just perfectly. I was shown that the belief mind (I) is in control is complete hogwash. When something
was to be known, it would reveal itself in the form of little bread
crumbs. Then all I had to do was start walking, following the direction
that was provided. When nothing was given to be known, I had to learn
to hold myself steady in complete faith and trust until eventually
something was provided again as a known. Remaining in the gap of utter
not-knowingness, which would become a daily companion, the mind (the I)
was often driven to the brink of insanity. My mind produced an
incessant stream of survival-based fears and terrors even though the oh-so-loving, protective and
kind space of not-knowingness continuously provided perfectly everything that was needed in the most astounding ways.
The craziest thing with my decision to go to Central America was that I
knew nothing about those countries. I did not speak a single word of
Spanish, and I knew not one person there. Unlike other countries like
Africa and Brazil which I always wanted to visit and explore, the
countries of Central America never had a pull on me. I was never
interested in any of them. Yet suddenly I found myself on a journey
there and every single thing about it felt absolutely right. I was
jumping off the cliff into the unknown and knew somehow that everything
was going to be just fine - no - more than fine.
By selling all of my furniture and my car I was able to raise around
$6,000. That was all I had left to my name. At age 44 that sum would be
considered by most standards to be pretty dire. What I did not know was that
eventually all of that would be gone, too, and that I would be asked to
stand in those foreign countries not only with not-knowing anything -
but also, absolutely penniless. The message was of course, "Look, you
don't need to know anything, you don't need any money, you don't need to
be in charge - life will provide for you every step of the way." And
that is how it was. Life provided in spite of mind spewing forth its
repetitive, insane angst, the most unimaginable, magical and miraculous
experiences which Margot Ridler could have never, ever, in her wildest
dreams fathomed possible.
Are you sure you surrendered completely? Let's test you one more time... (September 2006)
The experience at the retreat site in Costa Rica which had promised to
be a safe haven for this tattered soul of mine, turned into a pretty
hopeless situation rather quickly. To keep a short story short, I was
kicked out of the retreat site because I was speaking up against the
Guru. I was given two hours to pack my stuff and then was deposited by the side of the road rather
unceremoniously, with my two huge suitcases filled with stuff that I had
brought, thinking I would live there for six months. Standing there by
the side of the road, waiting for some unknown angel to come and rescue
me, the last inkling of being in charge of this life vanished
completely.
Hence started the journey of no return. I was kicked off the cliff and began free falling within the empty and unknown space of nothingness. Free-falling would eventually become my way of life. Living from complete unknowingness as to what was to happen next, within a four year period, this body went from Costa Rica to Panama to Mexico to Guatemala back to Mexico back to Guatemala to Denmark back to Guatemala to the USA back to Mexico and eventually back to the USA. Remember, I had been moved to leave the USA to go to countries I knew nothing about nor did I speak the language nor did I know anyone there. Worse yet, I had absolutely no clue why I was even there. After one year, I also had run out of money so I was relying the entire time on this empty space of nothingness to provide whatever I was to do from one day to the next, where I was to go, when and how.
Toward the end of three years, the unknown nothingness had emerged to be my most trusted friend. In November 2009, four years after the flash-knowing had hit, It finally revealed who and what It really was. It showed that It was not just this empty field of unknown nothingness but in fact was the source of everything. Suddenly the survival fears and terrors which had been such a huge part of the four year process, and pretty much all of my life, were seen through to have been completely unnecessary. There was nothing to fear because the not-knowing, the nothingness, the void, the emptiness that I had befriended as my most trusted companion by having lived with it for four years, was actually All There Was - including what was looking out through those eyes that once were believed to be Margot Ridler's eyes. What comfort, what grace, what delight and what gratitude. All questions were answered and in that instant, peace and calm set in that are now experienced daily (am writing this in May 2010), even though still today, at age 48, I am penniless and homeless and possess absolutely nothing.
Except for the last paragraph, the above account was written quite a while ago. Today (May 2010), the
wording would be written very different but it was left on purpose in its
original version. All of what was experienced during the Central America and Mexico travels was incredibly amazing. Much of it would be termed by normal standards miraculous. One day they might be put into a format so it can be shared.
To read what happened prior to the flash knowing go to: The Beginning Of The End (2003 - 2005)
To read about the flash knowing go to: Curve Ball (December 2005)
