Curve Ball

Stepping Off The Cliff Into The Complete Unknown  (December 2005)

It was beginning of December of 2005, and I was preparing for a weekend workshop that was to start the very next day.  For days already, I had been feeling that I did not want to hold the workshop.  Something was not right.  Some pressure in my body that would not go away and at times would get unbearable kept bringing my attention to my weekend workshop and how I did not want to facilitate it.  But why not?  I had no logical answer. Without one I could not cancel the workshop. I could not let all those people down who were counting on me to do healing work with them.
 
So I applied the good old grin-and-bear it method until 5 pm, when I was hit with a flash-knowing.  I was sitting on the floor, going over some paper work, when the knowing came out of nowhere like a lightening bolt.  But it was not a physical experience at all.  I just suddenly knew something with absolute clarity that a moment ago wasn't known.  It stopped all thinking in its tracks. With it came the awareness that I could never go back to how things were before.  I sat there motionless, allowing the experience to ripple through my entire being.  An event like that can have such a huge impact that it can change one's life forever.  That surely was what happened to me.

The flash-knowing lasted only an instant but the knowing that came with it was vast and profound. I could have never have come to it via studying, researching, contemplating or deducting.  I saw how we human beings were mere puppets in a puppet show, empty shells, walking/talking masks, see-through characters in a play.  There was nothing to us at all.  And I saw how the level of soul, the level I was dealing with in my healing work, was the level of the human drama.  It was nothing sacred as I always believed it to be, but was the memory bank of the collective human story.  Problems were built-into it, were a given there.  It was clear that as long as I was working on that level, I could not ever truly make a difference in a person's life - not the way I always had wanted to in the depth of my being.
 
In essence, it was seen that all I was doing was taking people in circles.  As soon as one issue or problem was solved, another one would pop up in a week, a month, or a year.  It was inevitable.  I also saw how this was the case with all healing work - how all of us 'healers' and 'therapists' were not truly making a difference in people's lives at all. Instead, we were like the blind who are leading the blind.

I realized that as long as I worked on the level of the individual, the I, the person, linked to a particular story line, we were not addressing the real issue which was:  who or what is the I?  It was clear suddenly that we are not these persons we take ourselves to be.  But, who or what are we?  It seemed that the I was merely playing a role of some sort and that was the reason why we did not experience the true nature of our being.  Whatever keeps the I in place is all-consuming so that the question never even appears on our radar.  Nobody seems to question the legitimacy or validity of his/her I.

I had not questioned it either.  But suddenly I was made to.  Even though I had no idea at the time what it all meant, who or what we actually are beyond our I, and what I was to do with this information - I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was true.  I understood that it was our belief in being these persons we took ourselves to be that caused us all the various difficulties, challenges and hardships in life, making us go round and round with them forever.  I also knew there was another way of doing life, a whole new modus operandi – but what that was, I had no idea at the time.

Even though I did not know what to do with this knowledge, it was clear I could no longer offer my healing work, not with a good conscience anyway.  How could I possibly work on finding solutions for empty shells, walking/talking masks, characters in a play?  Within seconds my life's work had turned into an absurd undertaking.  Plus, knowing that I would be keeping people away from finding the truth of who or what they really were - there was no way I was going to contribute to that any longer.

I did not think about how I would earn money now and what else I was going to do with my life.  After all, I had invested many, many years of studies and building up my business.  My work was my life.  Yet, I did not think about any of that.  All I knew was that I was taking people in circles with my work and that I did not really make a difference in anyone’s life - and that was enough for me to stop everything right then and there.  That evening I canceled my weekend workshop that was to start the very next day.  A short while later, I sent out an email to all my clients and contacts announcing that I was closing my business and was no longer available to facilitate constellation work, walking away from the work that had been my whole life for over ten years.


This account was written two years after it happened.  Today (May 2010), the wording would be very different but it was left on purpose in its original version. 


To read what happened next:  Rug Being Pulled  (January 2006 - August 2006)

To read what happened prior:  Beginning Of The End  (2003 - 2005)